Wednesday, February 8, 2023

it's beginning to look a lot like…2019 😬

I wrote this blog on January 10, 2023, sorry for the late post.  Maybe I will actually keep up with this thing.  SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED since 2019 😬 and I realized I basically haven't shared anything.

January, a time of fresh starts and new beginnings.  Unfortunately over here, it’s looking more like a rewind.  
After successfully avoiding covid for the past 3 years I was finally caught by the little devil.  And well it pretty much took my life shook it up, melted it, cut it into pieces baked it and then handed it back.  To say the last few weeks have been rough is a bit of an understatement.  

My life today looks a hell of a lot closer to my life 4 years ago instead of 4 weeks ago.  
Im laying in my bed wide awake because  listening to the song of the sick.  The rhythmic breathing of the oxygen concentrator, the hum of my feeding pump and the occasional beep if I lay in the wrong position.  

My clothes no longer fit, I can't keep up with others, I spend my days napping and watching movies, dreaming of the day I can get up off the couch and vacuum my own house.  Once again I think of my living room while I sit on a couch that is not mine and live out of a suitcase because I can't be on my own for now.  and I realize, Ive been here before.  4 years ago.  But as I struggle to take a deep breath and realize it might be just a tiny bit easier than it was yesterday.  And as I set the oxygen aside I realize I haven't been here before.  Before there was no getting better.  Before the weight wasn't coming back.  Before the apartment was getting cleaned out.  Before I was dying this time, this time Im going to live. 

I do realize that the fact that I’m typing this right now means I didn’t actually die and did live that time too but this time is soooo different.  

This time I can choose to work hard, jump back into life and get better.  Or I can just give up and wait.  Last time I had no choice.  My body was actively attacking my lungs and no amount of laps or healthy meals or willpower or even medication was going to change that.  The only way forward was to give up.  To let go of those lungs and do it again.  But this time, this time I can actually make a difference.  

And you know what? I’m finally so ready that my changes aren’t going to stop there.  It may have looked like I jump full speed ahead into life but the truth is I don’t.  Most of the time I let life happen.  I let fear and doubt get in my way.  But, NOT. ANY. MORE!  

I'm the damn leading lady NOT the best friend and it’s time I really become her.  (Pst…. You are too! 😊)

So this year, 2023 let’s make it the year we get off the couch, we take those first few hard steps, we do the hard things, we call the friend or plan the trip, we keep walking and pretty soon we realize, it’s not 2019.  We didn’t go backward.  We took everything we have been through shook it up,  melted it down, cut it up, and baked it into something truly wonderful!  And this time, for the first time, we really are truly, truly LIVING!  

Partial Blog from March 30, 2022

A Little Bit Crazy

Okay first off I owe all of you an apology.  Life gets busy, people get sick, a little depressed, and blogs get forgotten.  A lot has happened in the last 3 years (can you believe it has been that long, I sure can't) and not just in the world but in my own life as well.  I will fill you in overtime but the quick version is, I moved back home while waiting to be sick enough for my second transplant.  I ended up getting it in October of 2019 and moved back home right in time for the world to shut down.   I spent the next few months taking it easy and working on healing.  So far I am doing well, these lungs are holding up and aside from being more tired and worn out than before I am doing well.  And that is the quick version so let's dive into our story for today.

What it's real?  Have you ever asked yourself this?  Do you ever wonder, have you ever not been able to tell?  I have.  3 times now.  The most recent being 5 days ago.  

It is a pretty scary experience.  This time was the worst as in my "dream" world I went from being in the car to what I thought was a pretend hospital room.  When I came to and was still in the "pretend" hospital room saying I was confused is an understatement.  The details aren't really important but this experience more so than the others showed me how bad our mental health care is in this country.   I needed psychological help and it was not given to me.  Instead, I was put in a room alone without anything familiar to hopefully come back.  When I did my questions went unanswered and I could not figure out why I felt "awake" from my dream yet was still sitting in the room it took place, rather than in the car where I was supposed to be.