I have entered a rather weird phase in life, waiting. Yes, everyone waits for something at some point and we as humans spend quite a bit of time waiting for things to happen: birthdays, christmas, summer vacation, visits with friends or family, meeting "the one", telephone calls, traffic, lines at amusement parks and really lines anywhere, for a movie to come out, for a movie to start, for payday, for food to cook, for paint to dry and grass to grow, for lungs. (okay maybe not the last one!) Anyway the point is that waiting is not a new experience. It is something I have been doing my entire life here and there and yet this time waiting around is proving to be quite challenging and a huge life adjustment.
I am finding that I am having a hard time fully accepting that this, right here, right now, today, tomorrow and yesterday is still a part of my life. Although I have had my fair share of waiting I have always, at least, had a general idea of how long I would be waiting. This time is so very very different. I have no idea, no time line, no nothing. I know I am going to Duke next week but that is just the beginning. I still don't even know if I will be accepted as a good candidate and then when this whole shin dig is going down, or how long it will take me to recover, when I can come home, when I can go back to school, when my life can start again. Yet when thoughts like that cross my mind I have to remind myself that although this is extremely different from my previous life, even 2 months ago, this is still my life. Yes I have no time line but I am still here I can still do things it is different but it is a life none the less. And that is a lesson I am slowly learning. (Good thing I have a long time to learn it huh? :D )
It is so very different for me to be able to make no solid plans. I say solid because I have ideas of future goals and plans but I either don't know when they will be able to happen, returning to school, and if I will actually be able to do them, climbing a mountain. All I can really do is take things one day at a time, which is what we all are supposed to do anyway. It is just odd knowing that I really can't count on tomorrow (okay actually tomorrow does have a solid plan but after next week I am back to the hazy uncertainty that is lung transplant waiting) And no I do not mean in the sense that I might be dead, which I guess is a possibility but that is a normal possibility for all of us, I mean in the sense that I have no idea when and even if I will be moving to North Carolina. After that I won't know when I will get lungs, and how long it will be until I can do somethings, and then get back to my "normal" or rather new "normal" life. For someone who doesn't like the unknown and tends to plan everything this is very hard for me. But I will get there, ironically it will probably be right as I am getting my lungs, or finally being able to return home.
I am sure though that no matter when I finally get it(how to wait and live) will be the perfect time for me to get it and this will be a lesson that comes in handy later in my life. God puts us where he wants when he wants us and his timing is perfect. All I need to do is continue living and learning how to have a waiting life!
So great to be reminded to live here, in this day, in the present and in His presence. Thank you.ReplyDelete
It also reminded me to embrace the mystery part of life, all that is spiritual and really in His hands.
Yesterday I realized that, though I thought I was walking with Jesus, I had lost my focus and was really "busy". My prayers were arrows instead of heart. Today is a day to hold hands again.
Do you know Isaiah 41:10? It's one of my faves.
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