It's the End, or maybe just the middle

Two quick announcemnets
 this summer we are participating in the CF climb challenge, if you will be in Colorado June 25th please consider joining our team

Also we are selling lemon shirts again as a fundraiser for our climb team, so if you missed it last time here is your chance to get one, or if you grew out of the last one! :P




As  I write this I am sitting in the practice rooms at GCU spending my last hours of the semester hanging with friends listening to music.  WOW!  I can't believe this year is almost over.  Between me and summer are a few hours of sleep, several sweaty trips to the storage unit and a 14 hour car ride home.  A year ago I would never have imagined my year would turn out like this.  It is amazing how different college was for me this time around, from being able to walk quickly to class, to actually talking to people and gaining the freshmen (can I still call it that?) 15....well....20.  If this is the only good year I get with these lungs, it was worth it.  I did so many awesome things and met a ton of really cool people.

Well as usual life got in the way of writing.  I am now home.  There were indeed many sweaty trips to the storage unit but the sleep thing was more of an ideal than a reality. 

This year was, dare I say it, the best year of my life so far.  It also was the hardest goodbye I have had yet.  I know I will see all these awesome people again soon but for now we have 115 days to get through.

Although the goodbye was hard, I am glad for it because a gloomy goodbye means we had an amazingly awesome time together.  Feeling blah about going home for the summer, means I have built roots and found a new home.  It means I have made the friends and connections I have always wanted.  It means I finally got the college experience I dreamed of and for that I am extremely thankful.  I dreamed days like these would be possible but was never completely certain they would be in the cards for me, yet here I am.  

This reminds me of a saying one of my transplant friends doctors told her "transplant is a bridge, some people get right across, some get stuck in traffic but at the end of the day, we all eventually make it across."  Well I think it is safe to say I have made it across the bridge.  Not just the bridge of transplant either but the bridge of anxiety as well.  

I don't think I have talked about it much here but I have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life since high school.  My biggest issue was social anxiety disorder, which is, simply put, an extreme fear of other people.  At my worst I refused to leave my dorm room to hang out with people and even mostly stopped eating because it was just too much to drag myself to the cafeteria to eat around, or possibly with other people.  I have gone through years of medication and many many hours of counseling to get me to the point I am at.  That was another bridge I didn't think could be crossed.  From my beginning perspective it looked like the bridge had fallen into the water.  However, it turned out the bridge took a few steps down but continued on and did indeed cross the river.  I know the bridge of anxiety is not over, I am nearing the end, I hope, but there are still situations that I feel the nerves well up inside and I being to shut down, but the fact that I have so many good friends that I feel mostly comfortable around shows the immense progress I have made.  Oh and did I mention I did all that without medication!

I think that all of life is a bridge really.  You never are completely over any one bridge.  The terrain may change, going form a sketchy, narrow hanging wooden bridge swinging in the wind above a 5000 foot drop, to a wide paved multi lane concrete bridge 20 feet above a slow moving river, but ultimately there will always be challenges to get across in life.  The good news is that we have people around us to travel with, and an awesome God leading the way.  That is a fact I can fix my eyes on as I go through the bridge of summer, and if this smooth bridge turns rocky again, which is inevitable, I have people and a God I can cling to!

Here is a quick summery of my year

2 year lungaversary dinner

Hiking with the roomie

Sebastian came to visit!

Volunteered with Jenna at our church's Halloween event

Yes I sometimes did homework!

Dorm event with most of my roommates

Wandering in the wilderness!  (we meant to go hiking but never found the trail)

Sunrise at the Grand Canyon!!!

Horseshoe bend

It wouldn't be college without late night food runs!

The guys photobombed this (does it count if we knew?)

College Group Selfie!

Watched The Common Thread perform at the fair!  check them out at here

Copycat pic shenanigans!

Cheese

     I just love cheese.  It is probably one of my favorite foods.  Its salty and when added to a sauce it makes it so creamy and delicious.  Yup I sure do love cheese!  It also makes for great pictures (say cheese!) And when added to a conversation it can make for a few laughs.  Okay so at this point you may be thinking "what in the world is going on here Anna?  Why are you talking about cheese?"  Well I blame this cheesy post on my friend Taylor.
     I am currently sitting in the coffee shop on campus with friends as we jump into our last week before spring break and our 5th week from the end of the year. Yup you read that right my first year back is ending in 5 WEEKS!  In all honesty though, for the first time in my life I am actually not looking forward to summer.  Don't get me wrong it's not that I don't want to see my family or that I like taking classes but I have finally made friends and am living basically the life I have been dreaming of for a very long time.
     Sometimes I look at my life now and I almost can't believe it.  3 years ago, the last time I was at this school, I was super sick.  I didn't know it at the time but I was about 6 months away from what should have been the end.  Only it wasn't!  At the time, my biggest wish was to be healthy, to have a "normal" life like everybody else, a dream that seemed impossible, yet here I am.  I am basically healthy and aside from the pills, insulin and occasional doctor visits I have a pretty normal life.  I also have made a bunch of awesome friends and I'm not scared to talk to them.  I have come miles from the girl sitting in the therapists office, sucking on oxygen while we attempted to fix my social anxiety.  I have finally for the most part gotten the life I was meant to live.  Yet even in this seemingly great life satan is still trying to steal my happiness.
     Although, for the most part, it seems my dreams have come true there is one dream that is still off in the distance.  Unfortunately, satan is using the unfulfilled dream to hijack my brain.  I am consumed with desire, which constantly clouds my mind and distracts me from enjoying the life I have been given.  At times I break the surface and realize I have waited for so many things in my life waiting for this is nothing.  Yet at the same time I am having so much difficulty waiting on this.  I remember back in the day when I was waiting for my transplant, there were times when I felt consumed by the wait.  However, the times that I felt the best and that waiting went the fastest was when I refocused on living the life I was given at the time.
     As I write this post I am struck with a realization.  Happiness isn't about getting the life you have always wanted.  It it about accepting the life you have and making peace with it.  If you are constantly going around thinking something else will make you happy, you will never be happy.  No relationship can make you one hundred percent happy, no matter how great the person is.  No amount of health can take the pain of longing for a different life away.  There will always be something that you don't have, a new adventure you can not begin yet or a longing that can not yet be fulfilled.  I wish I knew the trick to complete happiness, but I am not there yet.  Maybe one day, maybe not, this could be a life long challenge but I will keep trying for it.
     

New year, New Major and that's where the new things stop!

Hey blogollowers!  

Just a quick reminder before we get started, my health excitement of the past two? Three? (I don't even know anymore) years has finally become...well less exciting and with that comes much less postings.  I will try to post updates periodically but as you may have already noticed they will most likely be few and far between.  As sad as you might be please remember this is a good thing!  It means I am out in the world much too busy wrangling the bull of life to blog as often as I once did when I was hardly breathing or when I spent most of my days on the couch.  I still nap all the time but if i'm not napping I'm up, out and about enjoying everything this fabulous world has to offer.  And with less posts it means you guys can get out there and live your lives as well, you don't need to sit at home watching your computer waiting to see if I'll be okay (as if you really did that :p) I am okay! No news is good news , great news even. So let's all get back out there to the up close and personal, face to face experience of the real world.

 If you want more frequent updates then come on down to Phoenix and we can go grab lunch! (Like for real though!  I love going out for lunch, but maybe dinner or coffee, im busy at lunch!)

Alright enough of my rant lets get to the real reason you are here, why an update of course!

Early Decemeber brought the end of my first semester back (I passed all my classes!), a return back to freezing cold land I call home and yet another check up at Duke.  This time was one of my bigger ones, not for my lungs, but for cancer.  December marked one year since I was officially declared cancer free and my one year PET scan (a type of scan very similar to a ct where they can look and see if there is any evidence of cancer in your body.  Luckily for me the scan was normal!  Yippie!!!!!  Hopefully I will never have to have another PET scan ever, not that they are particularly bad or even unpleasant but my doctor feels that a PET scan is no longer necessary as long as I am having no cancer symptoms.

On the lung side everything is looking pink and cheery.  (Actually as this trip did not involve a bronch no one actually looked to see if my lungs are still pink, for all we know they could be a florecent shade of orange by now, seems likely with all the radiation I am exposed to). In fact my lung function test was the highest it has been since transplant.  (Well probably since almost ever, as let's be honest my pre transplant numbers weren't anything you wanted to post on the fridge, unless you were going by golf scores!)

My weight is also up, almost to the highest it has ever been (ironically my highest weight was right before transplant). Even if I don't graduate (don't worry I will but just in case), there is one thing college is good for, weight gain!!! With dinner alone tonight I ate almost 900 calories and it wasn't like I ate a crazy amount, I got a single entree bowl and an appetizer from Panda Express. (Transfer student 20 anyone?). That is the one up side of my schools fast food only dining options.  There are extra calories everywhere! (Good for me, terrible for everyone else)

The new semester started today and I am now officially a psychology major.  The classes seem like they will be much better for my poor memory, not so good for my lazy side as there are tons of assignments but at least my brain won't be crying as it was in chemistry!  Plus my laziness is one habit I really need to kick to the curb.

So anyway things just keep on keepin on which is fine by me!

Until next time 

Go get some fresh air!  :D

.

Update 2,643

First things first I have NO REJECTION!!!! Last week was yet another check up in Durham, this counted as my annual one so it was complete with a bronch.  My lung function is down quite a bit though, so something is definitely going on.  Since it isn't rejection it is most likely an infection.  Hopefully the cultures show something soon and it is easily treated with oral meds.  

School is going alright.  I have gotten more into the swing of things and don't feel quite as overwhelmed as I did before.  It could help that I dropped chemistry.  Yup that is right this girl is done with that class and the possibility of becoming pretty much anything in health care.  I still have not officially changed my major but I am going to.  Most likely to film but the jury is still out on that one.  

The boyfriend search is still going but very slowly.  I have discovered that I am not quite as over my social anxiety as I thought I was.  I am doing a lot better though, I have people that I talk to in each class and I have joined a few things by myself and I don't stay in my room all the time.  However I still have a really hard time talking to new people and saying hi when I see people I only kind of know.  I guess you can say I am a work in progress.  

The weather is getting a bit cooler here. (or I'm just used to it by now)  I am actually sitting outside typing this and I have been out here working on homework for almost 2 hours and I'm not actually melting!  Its safe to say you all can come visit now and won't die (I can't guarantee you won't think you are!)

Well y'all thats all for now
talk to you next time!

College Take 5

I have a feeling that those interested in reading my posts are going to be in luck this semester, since I would much rather write here and I have a lot of papers to put off!  As you may have gathered I am back in school!

Since my last post, I have quit my job, packed up my life and moved away.  I left beautiful cool Colorado for probably the closest thing to hell on earth (or at least in the United States), Phoenix Arizona.  I actually do like Phoenix quite a bit it is just rough for now as the summer finishes off, then I'll be down here swimming outside in December while my Colorado peeps are living in a slightly colder hell of their own.  This is my first time to experience the Phoenix heat and well yeah... its hot.  I am literally drenched when I go places more often than not and tend to stay inside most of the time. The necessity of trips to the store are questioned more and Pepper is adjusting to her new very limited (twice a day) access to the outdoors.  Other than that the heat isn't too bad and on occasion, after being thoroughly chilled by the lovely and necessary AC, I have been seen sitting at an outside table enjoying a fry or 2 (or 1000, freshmen 15 here I come!)

Pepper is settling in though I don't think she is a huge fan of school life.  I think she misses her freedom and her buddy, my parents dog, Walter.  However she is easily the most popular creature on this campus and would give even the most famous celebrity a run for their money.  I am simply the invisible and irrelevant person who holds the other end of the leash, plus I give her food.  Actually today I came home to discover I am not really needed for that either.  She had jumped up on my shelf, pulled down the bin that holds her food, pulled open the lid and helped herself to breakfast and then some!

The biggest shock of all to me is the amount of damage my brain seems to have had over the years.  It is just not what it used to be.  I can imagine this is how a person who goes back to school in late adulthood feels, only I'm 23 not 43.  I am hoping it improves as I get further and further out from chemo but I have heard that my anti-rejection medication has the same effect so I am guessing the memory loss is here to stay.

I have also found that I am pretty much done with school.  There is a reason why most people only go for four years.  The worst part is that I still have no idea what it is I really want to do after, at least job wise, and so I lack real motivation to get my schooling done and the idea of quitting seems kind of appealing.  Any job ideas?  Keep in mind I am immunocompromised, so things like pediatric ER doctor are kinda out.

School stuff aside my latest mission is to find myself some more friends and to expand my Arizonian social circle.  Of course finding a boy would not hurt either.  I am after all 23 and I have been single my entire life! Yes I know that is slightly shocking.  I am however currently taking applications in this department and decided to add to Pepper's skill set to run up to guys on command and lick them or something to initiate a conversation!  Ok all joking aside I really do need to make some more friends and am thinking about starting a gaming (board, cards, etc.) on campus.

Alright enough procrastination for one day.  I've got a paper to write (yes already!)

These two hooligans chillin' in a box while I unpack

My room

More of my room and Pepper's perch

Pepper's new favorite

Lesson from a transplant

Hi Guys!
Well first off I had yet another doctors appointment this past week.  I met with both the transplant docs and my cancer doc.  Both reports were pretty good.  It's funny because I have had such a change in how I view doctors appointments.  I used to dread going to the doctor, pretty much every doctors appointment meant another hospital stay.  Now I almost like going.  Don't get me wrong it's not that I enjoy spending hours siting in waiting rooms and wasting two days at the airport just to have a doctor look at me for five minutes, but going to the doctor has become an enjoyable experience.  It is a chance for me to see how much I have improved and to show the doctors how good I'm doing!  This visit in particular was met with raving reviews from my cancer doc and his student.  Much to my grandmother's delight, who was with us this trip, he called me the poster child for PTLD!  I also got to see my beautiful X-ray.  I unfortunately did not get a copy of it but let me just tell you it was so big and black!  Those lungs have really expanded and cleared out!  I have a couple more appointments to go before my doc month is over (I see all my docs every 3 months and they all seem to occur at the same time), this time these are here so much less time consuming!  After that I'm a free woman until September!

Few!  With that update out of the way we can get on to bigger and better things.  The real reason for this bolg.  Transplant is a very intense process and it is impossible for a person to go through it without having their life completely change and not just in the obvious ways.  Yes I have a huge scare across my chest and a few more along my neck and stomach but those are a small change in comparison to how it has change me as a person.  In fact their are so many changes that I am going to spare you the novel post and break it up into smaller chunks!  Thats right I'm back on the blog wagon!  Lets buckle up (are there seatbelts in wagons?  Maybe these days!) hold on and dive into our journey of LESSONS FROM A TRANSPLANT:


Lesson 1: Patience
How to Wait

I am no expert in this field, in fact I still kind of suck at waiting for some things.  However I have had a LOT of experience waiting for big things to happen.  Besides the obvious, waiting on the list for lungs, I have spent time waiting to get listed, waiting to go home, waiting to go back to school, waiting to feel better, waiting, waiting and more waiting.  I have spent the good part of the past two years simply waiting.

What I have learned is that waiting just happens.  It's one of the hardest and easiest things to do.  Like time the wait will pass whether you pay attention to it or not and that is the key, to not pay attention to it.  As anyone who has spent time in a waiting room, on a plane or on a car ride knows, the time passes faster when you have something to do, ideally something interesting or fun.  As a person who has spent long periods waiting (were talking months here)  I know that life doesn't stop when you wait and the time waiting is still time.  You can sit around miserable waiting for the time to pass or find something to do.

Definitely the hardest wait for me was the seemingly endless 19 days I waited on the list.  Now I know that sounds super short, and it was, but keep in mind I had already been waiting for about a month after we moved just to get listed.  I was not the greatest at this wait especially at first.  When the call came in that I was on the list I half expected to get lungs that night.  I even shoveled in my food (and by shovel I mean maybe eat at a barely normal speed, I was pre- transplant people I couldn't eat fast remember this X-Ray!  My esophagus was way over on my right there was no eating fast for this girl!), thinking I wouldn't have time to finish before the call came.  Well I did, as hours turned into days I realized the call wasn't coming anytime soon.  As I waited I began my first intense steps down the path for the waiting lesson.  These steps showed me to find something else to do.  I spent my days at rehab, napping, seeing friends and of course at our pitty dinners!  Pretty soon this chunk of the path was over and the next chunk began.

This is a path we all travel all life long but for the next two years my path would change from a fairly flat easy road to a steep mountain pass, covered in a jungle making it impossible to see the end.
As I climbed along I learned some tips along the way.

Another way I have learned to be content with waiting it to change the moment from being one you want to pass to one you want to remember and even possibly enjoy.  As I am currently waiting for my hair to grow back this lesson has been very clear.  My hair is super short and curly and although this is not a style I would have ever chosen on my own I am learning to enjoy it.  There are perks to short hair, its easy to deal with and never gets in the way.  I do have my moments when I really just want to pull it up in a ponytail or braid it but I have to remember that one day it will be long again and this period of short hair will be gone.

I still have a long way to go on this path, as I still struggle to wait for school to start, to be done with school and start my "adult" life, a relationship, my hair, but I have also come a long way!   

Kaelyn and I waiting for our appointments last week

Moving On

So Im sad to tell you that its been so long since I last posted that I actually forgot how to write a new blog post!  (I'll blame it on the chemo brain, how long does that last by the way?)  But as I mentioned before I am living a healthy productive, rich life and for that I am not sorry!  I am continuing to make progress.  A few weeks ago I got my G-tube out.  It is a little bitter sweet, my tube was the last remnant of my old life that still remained, well except for my crappy stomach, but we have already covered that one. see here  Anyway, it hasn't been too rough having it out.  I had thought I would need surgery to get the hole closed but the doc thought it would close on its own.  I decided to give it a go and see if I can save myself a surgery.  So far it is closed for the most part (Hallelujah praise the lord!)  it leeks from time to time but most of the time its nice and dry!

As I lose my old life physically the last dried shriveled up remnants are falling off mentally.  My job has been a great help to shake off the last part of my anxiety!  (shake it off, shake it off Oh Oh... there is some real truth to that song yo!)  I am also beginning to get used to this whole idea of being active.  Today for instance I went on a walk through the Mecca of all dog parks and I enjoyed every minute of it!  The old me would have been miserable and constantly calculating where the next place to rest is and the fastest way back to the car.  But I wasn't I barely even felt like I was doing any work at all, and lets be honest walking isn't exactly strenuous exercise!  At Easter I got a lot of my family to play kick ball and I had a blast.  Running from base to base was no problem.  I almost would go as far as to say I love moving!  Not like formal excise but I do love doing active things!  The old pathway of my brain have grown over and I no longer despise excise and with that its time to step, maybe even run into the new improved and probably more true to who I am, me!